Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i am a mess

Not a very positive post the last one. And I fear this will not be either. I just need to get it out so I can have a decent night of sleep with less thoughts flying around in my head (although I doubt they will disappear...).

It is all a mess. I am a mess. I have always been the optimistic one, truly believing that it always works out in the end. But the last month or two, you could say I hit rock bottom. Maybe that was a bit extreme but probably the lowest point so far. I guess I have lost all belief and motivation and I do not know how to get out of it. I guess I have not really talked about it either since I already have the worst conscience and it would only get worse when I verbalize the thoughts that are in there.

I honestly never thought I would and could let it go this far. I dread even thinking about it but more than one year has passed without me getting a job. I am really disappointed. Of course I can only blame myself because who else is going to get me a job? I truly had a much better future in mind than this.

And of course I start doubt and question everything. Did I really study the right thing? Did I make the right choices? I got accepted to a half time masters program (distance studies, Communication for Development) with subjects that seem really interesting. But where would it lead me? It is really interesting topics, as where my previous studies, but what can I gain from it? A question I cannot really answer. It all boils down to the same questions: What do I want to work with? Where do I see myself going?

And I do not know the answers.

I keep telling myself to snap out of it. But it is easier said than done. I guess I have grown up avoiding, in my eyes unnecessary, conflicts. But that has probably also led me to easily shrug things off. I can easily shrug the bad things off my shoulders as I usually have a sanctuary to go to. Lately I have spent more and more time in that sanctuary not letting the bad things get to me, but the longer I stay away from it all the harder it gets. The bad conscience just keep piling up. And I escape to baking, TV, and nail polish. Anything that will keep the bad conscience away for a few more hours. The hours turn into days, the days turn into weeks, and so on.

I need to get out of this rut. Hopefully getting some thoughts written down, some tears shed, and a new year will get me somewhere. I have thought it several times before, but I really want to believe it. I truly want to believe that some of my previous positivity and strength will find its way back and get me on a better track for 2011.


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