Wednesday, November 25, 2009

performance anxiety is in the air

I had a meeting with Gustaf on Friday last week. I had a bad conscience since I had not done all the things I was supposed to. His reply gave me the motivation I needed but also more bad conscience. I do have a bit of performance anxiety when I have not done everything on time as I am supposed to. Gustaf said I need to stop focusing on the things I have not done and instead remember what I have accomplished instead.

When I come to the meeting feeling bad and excusing myself for the things I have not accomplished, it reflects bad on the other person in question (Gustaf in this case). Then I got a bad conscience because I came to the meeting trying to excuse myself. That is just a way to make yourself feel better, I guess you just want some response, any response, someone saying it is ok or not ok.

Then he remarked on the fact that Maersk is paying quite a lot for this service since he is a senior and hence more expensive. I have thought about it before as well and it makes me feel awful since I have this great opportunity and not always making the most of it.

Every time I leave Gustaf my motivation is on top. Usually I meet him at the end of the week and sometimes after the weekend that motivation is lost again. Leaving the meeting with motivation on top I hoped that it would stay at least until next week. And it did. And I actually spent a bit of the weekend applying for a few jobs that expired this weekend.

I feel kind of good now, since I have sent out ten applications in just a few days. Then there are of course other things I should have done, like making phone calls (those damn phone calls), but have not accomplished. But those things we are not thinking about now. I am focusing on the positive things (knowing that I need to do all the other things one day anyway.)

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