cannot be bothered to fight

Somehow I cannot be bothered. I have several things I need to do, but I am just blocking those thoughts so I do not have to feel guilty. Both yesterday and today I have been, yeah what have I been doing? I cannot really say since I have not done much at all. I would have felt guilt if I did not suppress those feelings as far away as possible behind two locked doors. I seem to be good at that once in a while when there are things I do not want to do. I does not seem to be helping that I have someone who is checking up on me, tells me what to do and gives me homework. The day just passes by, it is like I am waiting for it to be five o'clock because then the day is over and I can continue doing nothing. But not feel guilty over it.

My hope is that this vacation will give me some rest (as I have not had enough rest with 3 ½ months of 'vacation') and new energy to get myself going and get excited again over searching for a new job. Excited to get my life back on track. I think it has been too easy for me the last couple of years, I have not had to struggle much to get what I want.

Through all my school years I always got good grades with not much effort. After high school I decided to spend one year in the USA so I went without a problem and had a good time. I applied for university and I new that I would get in without a problem. I applied for exchange in Singapore and then I also new that I would get there due to grades and extra curricular activities. The first and only job interview I have been to is for Maersk and I ended up getting the job there. It was one of few applications I sent out last year when graduating. Kind of been wondering around with no intention to end up at a specific place, but in the end it has always worked out. When standing at a cross road I have always known what decision to make. I really believe that: it always works out in the end.

I need to start believing that it also applies to this scenario. It always works out. In the end. But I need to start fighting. Because no one will serve me my dream job on a silver platter.