garden leave

At this time one week ago, my boss asked me if I could come for a talk. I walked with him to a meeting room where another guy sat, which I recognized as I had seen him come to our corner of the office just minutes before. We sat down and my boss started talking. I heard these sentences coming out of his mouth and did not really know what to think. I did not know how to react, so I just sat there listening trying not to care and not to show any emotion.

How are you supposed to react when your boss says that your position have been made redundant and they do not need you at work anymore? One year ago I had my third and final interview with him and my manager and already the next morning they called and offered me the job. Just as easy to get rid of me I guess.

I wonder if my boss would be surprised if he knew what I was thinking at the point he told me I was made redundant. Never at one point during the talk did I have a feeling of sadness or worry. The feeling I felt was relief. If you have been following my life and my thoughts about the job then you understand why. I kind of had a down period where I just had no motivation at all for my job and did not do it well for a couple of weeks. I even told my manager about my lack of motivation, I wonder if it played a part in the decision.

After they told me I just wanted to leave the building as soon as possible. My boss asked if we should tell the rest now or at a later stage. I could not really think but I guess it was just better to get it over and done with, like ripping of a band aid. Although I hate people feeling sorry for me, perhaps I should have left so they could get the message with me gone already. My colleague came up to me after and then is when I get tears in my eyes. I can handle it if no one feels sorry for me, otherwise I can so easily start crying.

So we just walked off to talk a bit and I did not want to show my teary eyes to all the rest on the floor. Oddly though, I do not know why I was crying since I was not sad about it. The only thing I felt was that now I am free. I have my freedom to do whatever I want. Just what I wanted. I wanted vacation. Mornings to sleep in. Days at the beach. Doing whatever I feel like.

I do not have to go back to a job that made me unhappy. To use a cliché: they did me a favor. People said that to me already the first day since they know about my feelings about the job. That I eventually will think that maybe it was all for the best. But it did not take weeks for me to feel that, it took me only a couple of minutes.

I must say though, while working and as soon I had time off I just wanted to do absolutely nothing. I could just spend time in my sofa watching TV and enjoying being off from work. Now, when I have all the time in the world to do nothing, I feel I should do things and I cannot just spend time in the sofa watching TV. It also feels strange to not have a routine. I had my routine before and now I have no plans, the future is completely open and anything could happen.

The good thing is that I could leave only minutes after they told me I was fired. I do not have to stay the three months of termination which feels great. I could go on a so called garden leave and will get my last three pay checks plus an additional one for being made redundant. Then I can focus on searching for a new job and having 'vacation'. Perfect timing with the summer and all and since I only had a few weeks of paid vacation.

It is vacation. Because I will only be unemployed in three months, when I do not have a pay check coming into my account. Unemployed. I am one of those now. At least I am in good company in this financial crisis. Sure, it is not the best time to be unemployed but I will figure something out.

My major concern is not to find a new job, it is to figure out exactly what I want for myself. I do not want to end up with another job that makes me unhappy. I need something that challenge me and I can feel good about. Do not ask me how I plan to figure that out. Because I do not know.

Now I am just going to enjoy the summer. And the freedom.